Please Daddy, Don't Cry

I had one of those moments of total heartache earlier this evening. As Michelle and I sat together just talking, as we do every evening, I came to realize something. (By the way, this sitting together just talking every evening - what a great habit for any couple to get into.) As we sat there I was telling Michelle that I was once again stunned by the sight of one of Kelly's pictures from the day Janie Beth died. Kelly happened to catch on film the very moment that, as I was carrying Janie Beth from the NICU to Michelle's room, Janie Beth looked up and was looking directly at her Dad as he carried her ever so tenderly. And then Michelle and I, as we talked through the events of that night came to realize that we cannot remember Janie Beth opening her eyes at any other time during those few minutes of life that we had left to share with her. The last time Janie Beth opened her eyes was to look at her Dad as if to say; "I trust you, Daddy." WOW!



Now after more than just a few tears I began to reflect on that image. You cannot tell from the picture, but at the time I was crying so hard and just telling my little girl that I loved her and to hold on; I kept telling her that I was taking her to Mommy. Janie Beth did not look at her Dad or her Mom anymore because all her attention was focused on breathing as she slipped into God's warm embrace. I told Michelle this evening that if Janie Beth could truly talk to us from beyond death's door I believe it would be to say;

"Mommy, Daddy, please don't cry. As you were so lovingly holding me that night, I took my first truly unlabored and easy breath. And Daddy, the air here in Heaven is oh so warm and glorious. As you wept tears of anguish over my body, I wept tears of joy because I got to meet Jesus face to face (He really is cool Dad, you will like Him even more when you see Him). Did you know Mommy, that my little arms and stubby legs are not a hindrance to me at all? I can play and enjoy these streets of gold without any difficulty. Mommy, Daddy, please don't cry...God has everything under control. He sees your pain and heartache, and He does understand. Mommy, Daddy, I am truly happy here...and God told me that He was going to wipe away your tears. It might take a while, but He loves you too much not to do just as He says. So, Mommy, Daddy, I know you are sad, but please, don't cry for me...I will see you again, and I will show you the sights. And yes, since I am a Karr, even with my little itty bitty chest and tiny lungs, I can still talk non-stop...I will be the best tour guide heaven has ever seen when you get here. But until that day, Mommy, Daddy, please don't cry."


I am trying dear one not to cry. And I rejoice that you can breath, run and play. I do believe in God; in His love, tender care and the plan I cannot yet understand. Janie Beth, please understand that if I cry it is because I miss you and do so look forward to seeing you again.

"He will swallow up death forever, and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces...and it will be said in that day; 'Behold, this is our God; we have waited for Him; we will be glad and rejoice in His salvation.'" (Isaiah 25:8-9)

"You number my wanderings; put my tears into Your bottle; are they not in Your book? When I cry out to You, then my enemies will turn back; this I know because God is for me." (Psalm 56:8-9)

Dear God, I thank You that You are for me and have promised to wipe away my tears. For after all they are plentiful and powerful. May I be able to rejoice with Janie Beth as she begins her unending life with You, and find peace and joy in the certain knowledge that because Jesus abides in my heart, I will run and play with her on Your streets of gold. Thank You God for Your promises, presence and peace during these dark times. May Your light continue to shine bright on us this night. Amen.

Thank-You, Janie Beth

Well, today has been one of those bone weary, energy sapping days. But when all was said and done Michelle and I had the privilege of experiencing God's grace once again. It is amazing how you can find His presence even when you are totally focused on other things. Today we celebrated the privilege of being the parents of Janie Beth Karr. Today we buried our precious baby girl.

Yet, when all is said and done I find I have no great spiritual insights to share. No deep abiding truths that will move other people's faith in powerful ways (I leave that to the awesome way that God is using Michelle and her blog). Today I find that all I have to say is a simple thank-you.

Thank-you Janie Beth that you squeezed my finger in the NICU on that Tuesday night of your birth. Thank-you Janie Beth that you let me be hold you, along with your mommy as you breathed your last. Thank-you Janie Beth for the way you have helped me appreciate the wonderful gift my children truly are (no matter how well they manage to push my buttons). Thank-you Janie Beth for being God's instrument of encouragement, enlightenment, and everlasting hope (for one day Michelle and I will see you again). Thank-you Janie Beth for the way your short little life gave me a renewed desire to experience everything God has for me in this life He has allowed me to live. Thank-you Janie Beth for the wondrous way your life, through the pregnancy and in these past few days, has drawn Michelle and I even deeper into that shared journey that God intends couples to share. Thank-you Janie Beth for being exactly who God made you into (a little baby with a tiny chest, and a massive testimony). For you are truly made with reverence by the hand of God, and you are wonderfull.

Thank-you Janie Beth that I got to carry you one last time today.

Thank-you Janie Beth for the privilege of being your Dad...I love you and will miss you deeply.

"Jesus loves you my dear child. Yes His arms are strong, yet mild. He will keep you in heaven so bright by the power of His great might. Yes, Jesus loves you; yes, Jesus loves you; yes, Jesus loves you...the Bible tells me so."

Good night, and may you rest peacefully in God loving embrace.

Lanterns In The Dark

On Saturday I was driving to Gadsden to visit a former church member who had undergone emergency surgery. As I was driving I was thinking of the difficult times she has had to face in her life. That naturally led me back to thinking about Janie Beth and the still darker days that lay ahead for our family. It was during this time of reflection that I experienced one of those times of comfort. I came to realize that what we all most need in the dark times of our lives are lanterns in the dark. Let me explain.

One of the things I love to do most is read. And, of all things, my favorite genre of books to read for pleasure are the Fantasy Adventure/Science Fictions novels. As un-Baptist as it is, I find myself enjoying this simple escape from the realities of life, found in these stories of good verses evil in magical worlds were anything might be possible. Well, one of the books series I love is the Wheel of Time series by the late Robert Jordan. And, it was in this series, which I am currently re-reading, that I found a great illustration of what God is doing in our lives.

In the magical world of the Wheel of Time, there is a passage way called The Ways. Now these powerful passages, which can only be reached through special means, have the unique ability to twist time. A person can travel from one Waygate to another in a short period of time. What might take several months in normal travel takes only days. There is one catch. In the stories the Creator has locked up the Dark One in a place called Shayol Ghul until the time of the Last Battle between good and evil. (sounds kind of familiar doesn't it?) In the process of this locking up of Shaitan the Ways have become corrupted with an oppressive darkness and an evil "wind" threatens to destroy anyone who seeks to travel the Ways.

In the stories, needless to say it becomes necessary for the heroes to travel these dangerous roads. Once they enter they discover that the darkness is so oppressive it seems to just swallow all light and steal all hope. In order for the companions to survive this treacherous journey they not only have to draw closer to one another, but they discover that the more lanterns they have lighting their company, the more comfort and strength they gain. The more they each bring what light they have together, the more they are able to beat back some of that oppressive dark.

Prior to the the prophet Isaiah writting those great words of the identity of Christ in Isaiah 9:6-7, he wrote (in verse 2) that "the people who walked in darkness have seen a great light. Those who dwelt in the land of the shadow of death, upon them has the light shined." As Michelle and I have traveled through the Ways of our journey we have found that the light of Christ in both of our lives has enabled us to draw closer together and fight back those dark days. And, as happened today when another group of fellow Christians who joined together with us to walk this journey, they brought their own lanterns into the darkness, and more of that darkness is pushed away.

In Christ, and with His people, Michelle and I have found that those dreadful Ways may still be hard and oppressive, but the darkness is not so bad when God and His people ban together. I praise God for light in our dark times. I am humbled by the love that God has showed us through not only His ever present Spirit but by the love and support of His people...The Church.

The Wonderful One

I was moved beyond tears. We never know when some special event, word or whatever might move us more than we had expected. Before I go to bed each night I take time to read Michelle's blog and hear her thoughts concerning this journey we are on with Janie Beth. And tonight was no different. And as I read, all I could say was that "I was moved beyond tears."

My heart aches for the very real fact that I may have to bury my baby girl. My heart is overwhelmed when I see how my oldest two children are trying so gallantly to process what is happening and work through their own pain. But watching Michelle's journey through pain, tears and resounding faith can move anyone into deep felt emotions and a stirred faith. I am so blessed to have a wife that is so deeply in love with and trusting of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

As I was sitting here processing all of this I began to think of the Christmas that is before us. I am reminded that when God sent His Son to be born on that special day He knew His Son would die, and in a most horrible fashion. God knew that His Son would die for you and for me. WOW!!! God does know our hurt and our journey, and He is faithful and true.

One of the great Christmas passages is found in Isaiah 9:6-7 when we are told:

"For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given...and His name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace...."

During this time of year we celebrate not the Child doomed to death, but rather the Wonderful One who would save us from our sin. The Wonderful One who would conquer death and the grave. The Wonderful One who loved each and everyone of us. I relish the Wonderful One that we prepare to celebrate this season, and I cling to the fact that the Wonderful One of Christmas is light to my family and will still be wonderful no matter what lies ahead.

Thank You Father God for giving to us the Wonderful One. Thank You for caring about us. Thank You for holding Janie Beth in Your hands.

Burden Busters

I was doing my morning devotional earlier and had one of those greatly encouraging moments. When I look at what our family is going through (search for a new ministry position, Janie Beth, financial struggles, etc.) it can seem so overwhelming. In fact, for any of you who have ever gone through something like this, you know how it can seem that the stress and burdens are going to crush you under its weight.

I saw this played out this morning when our 4 year old, Katie Jo, came to me and declared that she did not want her Janie Beth Panda anymore and that she was not going to pray for Janie Beth anymore. But, once I gave her some attention and let her feel loved she suddenly could not let go of her Janie Beth Panda. Katie, like the rest of us, is seeking to work her way through the burdens that weigh our household down. And like us, she needs to know that someone cares and is there to hold her and lift her up.

Well, back to this morning's quiet time. In 2 Corinthians 1:8-11 the Apostle Paul talks about when he was "burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of life." (vs. 8) I know how he feels. How am I going to provide for my family? How do I comfort my children as they confront the impending (most likely) death of their little sister? When is God going to open the door to that place He has already set aside as my next Pastorate? The burdens can truly overwhelm and engulf us; they can zap our strength and fill us with despair. But then God steps in.

As I was doing my quiet time I found a couple things in the words of this passage to be great encouragement. First, there is God. Paul speaks of the need to put our trust solely in God instead of our own abilities or strengths. (vs. 9) He shares that it is God who delivered us, continues to deliver us, and will deliver us in the days to come. (vs. 10) Praise God from whom all blessings flow!!! We are not alone, God is there to deliver us from the burdens we face.

And then Paul goes on to share a second source of encouragement during these times of deep burdens. "You also, helping together in prayer for us." (vs. 11) We desperately need those prayers that are being offered up on our behalf. Thank you each from the very depths of my heart and soul for each and every prayer you send to the throne of God.

You see, between God and the many prayers that are faithfully being offered on behalf of those who go through the dark and burden filled times, we can experience the power of the "Burden Buster." Thank You God, and thank you family and freinds.

Being Kicked In The Head

I had the most distressing of realizations this evening. I have been cheating myself and Janie Beth of some precious times. Times when I could be talking to her, reading to her and just letting myself try to feel her as she lives what life God may give her. I have come to realize that I have been distancing myself from my unborn daughter. So, I asked myself how did I get to this point of distance?

Some weeks ago I was laying with my head in Michelle's lap just enjoying time with my wife while the children played. Suddenly, POW!!! It took me a moment to realize what had happened, Janie Beth had reacted to my head pressing up against Michelle's belly and decided to say "hi" the only way she knew how. That little scamp kicked her dad right in the head. How many kids wish they could get away with something like that?

Fast forward to just a couple of weeks ago. Once again it was just Michelle, me and Janie Beth. We were talking about Janie and the painful days ahead, as I gently caressed Michelle's belly. As my hand was moving across the left side of her belly I felt something poke my hand. So, naturally I poked back. My poke was answered with another poke and on and on it went. Back and forth, poke answered with poke. In other words, Janie Beth was playing with her daddy.

Ever since that night I rarely have talked to her, and I have not played with her. I have come to understand that I have protected myself, I have distanced myself. I have, at least subconsciously, seen myself as the strong one who must deal with those tough questions of funeral and grave costs. I have assumed, without asking Michelle's blessing, the role of strong fortress who will be a refuge for my wife and kids during what is arguably the most difficult time in our lives.

The Psalmist wrote that it is God who is "our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." (Psalm 46:1) My role is not to be the strong tower and refuge for my family. My task is to be a part of my family and trust God with the role of Protector and Comforter. My task is to let my little girl kick me in the head anytime she wishes.

Dear God help me to find the time to play poke-a-poke with Janie Beth. Help me to enjoy what small times of joy I can have with this precious life You are entrusting to mine and Michelle's care, even if for just a short time.