Being Kicked In The Head

I had the most distressing of realizations this evening. I have been cheating myself and Janie Beth of some precious times. Times when I could be talking to her, reading to her and just letting myself try to feel her as she lives what life God may give her. I have come to realize that I have been distancing myself from my unborn daughter. So, I asked myself how did I get to this point of distance?

Some weeks ago I was laying with my head in Michelle's lap just enjoying time with my wife while the children played. Suddenly, POW!!! It took me a moment to realize what had happened, Janie Beth had reacted to my head pressing up against Michelle's belly and decided to say "hi" the only way she knew how. That little scamp kicked her dad right in the head. How many kids wish they could get away with something like that?

Fast forward to just a couple of weeks ago. Once again it was just Michelle, me and Janie Beth. We were talking about Janie and the painful days ahead, as I gently caressed Michelle's belly. As my hand was moving across the left side of her belly I felt something poke my hand. So, naturally I poked back. My poke was answered with another poke and on and on it went. Back and forth, poke answered with poke. In other words, Janie Beth was playing with her daddy.

Ever since that night I rarely have talked to her, and I have not played with her. I have come to understand that I have protected myself, I have distanced myself. I have, at least subconsciously, seen myself as the strong one who must deal with those tough questions of funeral and grave costs. I have assumed, without asking Michelle's blessing, the role of strong fortress who will be a refuge for my wife and kids during what is arguably the most difficult time in our lives.

The Psalmist wrote that it is God who is "our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." (Psalm 46:1) My role is not to be the strong tower and refuge for my family. My task is to be a part of my family and trust God with the role of Protector and Comforter. My task is to let my little girl kick me in the head anytime she wishes.

Dear God help me to find the time to play poke-a-poke with Janie Beth. Help me to enjoy what small times of joy I can have with this precious life You are entrusting to mine and Michelle's care, even if for just a short time.